It's About Time

Yup, so true. It's about time I got on this darned blog and updated it. I don't even think I have a lot of followers, if any at all, but I sure do love putting my thoughts out there for others to read so they can get a feel for how I view the world. It's a lot easier to judge someone once you know what's going through their head.

A lot has happened the past month or so. Finals came and went (thank heavens!), Christmas and New Years soon followed with three hours of Rock Band every day, school started up again, more friends have returned home from their missions, and I finally turned 21!!! That was, by far, the most exciting event. My family was gracious enough to come down and take me to dinner at Chili's then my roommates and friends in the ward put together a little shin-dig, complete with cake and Rock Band. It was so fun and even better to know that there are people out there who do care about me.

Lately, I've learned a lot about forgiving myself. I've been struggling with some very personal issues that lead back to before I can remember, and I just can't seem to shake them. I received help and counsel when I was 15 and didn't fully overcome my tendencies until I was almost 20, but I finally did it and it felt great! I was able to be myself again, without the feelings of worthlessness and unworthiness. I viewed life with renewed optimism and hope for the future. Things were definitely looking up. But the past few weeks, certain thoughts have been popping into my head, making me relive the guilt and hopelessness I was once plagued with. I thought that maybe I hadn't received a full forgiveness or I hadn't done it right and that I needed to start all over again. It was devastating. Randomly a few nights ago, I decided to head home to do laundry. My mom and I were the only ones there because my dad was out of town, so it was the perfect time to talk, even though that wasn't my intention. I broke down almost immediately sharing with her the doubt I'd been feeling lately and the struggle I'd had for years that she didn't even know about. She gave great counsel and then sent me on my way to figure things out. That night, I laid in my bed reliving years of pain and pleading with my Heavenly Father for hours to guide me as to what I might to do overcome this trial. Then a feeling of overwhelming peace and calm came into my heart; it was the first time in years that I was able to feel the Lord's individual love for me so strongly. I felt his embrace surround me and a voice tell me that everything was okay. My burden was lifted and I was once again renewed.

That is how I know that Christ lives and that He is our advocate to the Father. That is why I'm putting forth my very best effort everyday to please Him. That is why I feel so strongly about repentance and about forgiving ourselves. I know that if we truly do our part to resist temptation and use the tools we've been given, we will come of conquerer. I know that if we truly come to God with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, willing to do whatever He asks, and feeling a godly sorrow we will be forgiven of whatever transgressions we have committed; the forgiveness will not come easily and will not be painless, but it will come, and it will bring the most incredible joy ever to be felt.